as children, living in a world of seemingly limitless possibilities,
of limitless opportunities, each of us dreamed of living a large life,
filled with grand achievements and noteworthy magnificence,
of recognition and great fame;
we dreamed that we were stars in movies that centered around us
as the main characters - that the Earth revolved around us;
with the passage of time, growing faster as we aged, limits found their way into our lives and our great notions of fortune and fame to come were subtly beaten down with the demands of pragmatism, and the pursuit of bliss that transcended the ever-encroaching ordinary became sadly secondary to the rigors of dwelling in the mundane;
of course there were a few stunning exceptions among the masses of our number -- those glorious few who realized great dreams and built large lives, filled with the things that allowed them to retain childhood's near-impossible magic and magnificence;
the rest of us, myself included, lived with cautiously-guarded dreams of greatness and fulfillment, never to be achieved in reality, but a haven and a harbor to resort to for shelter from what had become the harshness of lives that meant so little to anyone but ourselves. small lives.
and for every large life filled with its noteworthiness and impact there exists an inconsequential but staggering number of small lives which make too little difference except to those who have lived in them;
this vast cosmos of small lives will always be present as will the small number of exceptionally large lives;
i, too, dreamed large dreams -
i did not want this small life that i have let overcome and overwhelm me for reasons that perhaps i would understand in retrospect, if retrospect were my choice;
but it is not my choice to continue forward if only to find the many reasons that i have sabotaged what may have been a large life to live one of a myriad universe of small lives in its place;
i do not believe in karma or fate;
i believe in free will and failure, and the responsibility of each of us, myself included, to either reluctantly surrender to a pattern of losing or to fight the incredible odds which lead to living a large life.
I detest being a grain of sand on the beach instead of the mighty ocean. The thought of being another in a myriad of small lives is unbearable to those of us who cannot forget that they once had dreams of living in grand fashion.
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