Sunday, September 13, 2015

Absolute Zero -- #POETVERITAS


That morning, Incipient Realization. Crawling over me like a shudder. 
No more rationalizations for excusing the inexcusable. Forgiving the unforgivable.
Illusion of stability stolen from my life. That morning.

Got into my car. Drove the ten minutes down the causeway to the beach.
Parked facing the bay. Rolled the windows down. Killed the engine.
sat there, slight salt breeze blowing through. Didn't matter. Long-sleeved
white shirt sticking to me. Took off my tie and rolled it up into a ball. Shoved it into my pants pocket.
All alone with the miserable truth at 9:00 am on an otherwise sunny summer Thursday.

Things had been bad between us. Had been for too long.
All the signs were clear: Asking for permission; A consistent gnawing feeling of inadequacy and guilt; Apologizing for no apparent reason; Negotiation; Palliating; Pleading; Temporizing; Creating excuses; Hiding; Anticipatory cringing; Trying to conform to an unspoken and unknowable standard for my behavior; A chronic sense of always being deeply at fault - for everything in her life.

A friend once told me that the descent to the deepest realms of hell is fraught with untenable compromises. He was right. Tragically.

All of those years ...defeat had crept up on me. When had I ceased to be the Mysterious Savior, and become the Abysmal Disappointment ? Where had the tides of circumstance changed my self-image and my fate? When had I become a walking dead man" When had I become a cut-out card of a gentlemen? An afterthought...

Sitting there. Alone. Thinking so hard that my head was useless for thinking. It was a good "taking the garbage out" time. The air felt thick. It was time to leave. No more, ever.

It was slightly past 11:00am. I would have to do some hard explaining. It was physically exhausting.

Took a deep, slow breath. I turned the key in the ignition.


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